Help me stop the EU bullying Apple

Join me in defending the rights of $2.8tn companies

Look, I don’t have all day to go writing thousands of AI prompts

For anyone who cares about justice, now is the time to stand up and be counted.

The EU is bullying defenceless Apple.

The first torment came when bureaucrats from Brussels, which is not even in America, told Apple they would have to allow apps from stores other than their own.

I don’t need to tell you how grotesquely immoral this is. How dare these faceless pen-pushers pretend that iPhone users own their devices? How dare they say that these so-called ‘owners’ should control how they’re used?

News flash: they don’t own a thing. There’s an easy way to check: just turn the phone upside down. What do you see? The Apple logo.

Ipso facto, quod erat demonstrandum: all iPhones belong to Apple.

It’s Latin, dummy.

Apple should be the ones who get to decide what happens on them, not the 18% of all humans who briefly carry them around every day until they die.

And that includes Apple having the right to make people install from the official App Store only, where Apple taxes every transaction. It’s for our own good. That way, Apple chooses for us which apps we’re allowed to install, and which apps show up at the top of search results.

But the despicable creatures in Brussels have now put an end to that in their stinking baguette-infested dump of a continent. Are you proud of yourselves?

Kudos to Apple for responding like any victim of bullying should — by sticking up for itself. Its move to destroy progressive web apps (PWAs), a non-App Store type of app which they can’t tax, is the only thing they can do to protect themselves, given the desperate times they’re going through.

You’ve probably already read the shocking reports of the Apple C-suite out on the streets, begging for money. Any drop in Apple’s revenue caused by making PWAs viable — from $385bn to, say, $384.9bn — could cause dozens more senior Apple directors to go homeless, followed, God forbid, by those in our society who are most vulnerable: their shareholders.

But the EU aren’t even the biggest bullies here. That prize goes to Open Web Advocacy. These guys really make my blood boil. They are totally abusing their power as an unpaid, unfunded group of volunteers to write an open letter, which you definitely must not sign, where they claim that allowing other companies to compete with Apple will be good for the world.

What utter bullcrap. It’s common sense that allowing Apple to decide the future of the internet is far safer. Apple knows what’s best for us.

Shame on you, OWA. The only reason I’m linking to your campaign so many times is to show people what real abuse looks like. No one should click on these links or interact with their campaign in any way. (Link.)

Today, in response to OWA’s malevolent campaign, I’m launching my own.

We need to:

1. Keep Apple safe from competition

2. Keep Apple management paid as much as possible

3. Keep Apple shareholders from starving

4. Keep Apple in total control of the billions of iPhones they rightfully own

If you agree: please make a donation immediately by going to your nearest Apple Store and picking up the iPhone 15 Plus. It has an all-new 48MP main camera!

Remember: you won’t own it. But hell, will you feel a glow just from being its temporary custodian.